My Rant About The Nonsense Of SPECTRE .

blonde-james-bond-funny-pictures-834216

 

—————–SPOILER WARNING —————————————-

Do not keep reading unless you have seen the film

 

I’m super serial about this.

————————————————————————

———-I was gonna hold of until the end of the month to post this, but I just have no patience———-

So In my earlier “sort of review” of SPECTRE which you can read HERE ,  I said I would revisit it, and go a little deeper into the stuff that I thought was either not thought out, or just utter nonsense.So here goes.

09-e18shXd (1)

SPECTRE may or may not be Daniel Craig’s final Bond film. Personally I think he will do another one. He will get that sweet producer cash, and immediately sign up.

His fellow producer expects Daniel Craig to return it seems

I quite like his take on Bond. He is permanently pissed off. His reaction to everything — explosions ,shrapnel, heavy traffic, sexual attraction — is a grimace of irritation. Others hate it, but at least it sets him apart from the earlier portrayals.

James-Bond-24

This first point is a small one, but I have to mention it. In the opening sequence in Mexico; Bond walks out on a beautiful woman in a hotelroom . She’s all ” what the fuck James ? Where you going man, I’m on the bed ! ” And he says : ” I’ll be right back”  or something to that effect.  The problem is, he never goes back to the room to finish the “job”. WTF ??  Already Bond has messed up.  This woman could easily be called Conception Galore  for christ sake !! That being said, the whole Mexico helicopter sequence is quite good. Its very much BOND.But it would have been good if Bond had returned to the lady . Parachute in like Timothy Dalton, “Living Daylights” style

SPECTRE

What we get next is the worst Bond theme in history by Sam Shit ( no typo )

tumblr_njjanujZsx1tp3tpno1_400

This song is utter TRANK.The worst I would say. The visuals of the intro are pretty cool. I just wish i had a mute button at the cinema.The song was indeed “the writing on the wall” about Spectre. He was warning us the movie is gonna be disappointing.

 

During the Mexico incident Bond hears the name ” The Pale King”. I forget how they find out who it is, but that shit doesn’t matter.I think Q finds it on facebook, or Moneypenny googles it or some shit.

In any case, The Pale King is Mr White. The same Mr White from Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace , Reservoir Dogs maybe, who knows. Point is SPECTRE wants this dude dead. Apparently because he has all of a sudden realised that his terrorist activities kill woman and children, and that’s not cool anymore…..

wait-what-dog

The guy Bond killed in Mexico was apparently gonna kill Mr White, and for some STUPID reason which can not be explained, the entire SPECTRE inner circle has to meet up in Italy for his funeral ,and to decide who is gonna take this dead Italian hitman’s place, and kill Mr White. REALLY ?? They need to vote on shit like that?? Later on I thought it was pretty fucking weird that the Franz Oberhauser character would even go to this dead Italians funeral in the first place. It makes no sense. He was just some hitman. A henchmen. One in a million i would guess. And Bond goes to Mexico on the advice of M – not the Ralph Fiennes model, but the Judi Dench version, who in a posthumous message that has surfaced since Skyfall, asks him to do away with this contract killer, “and don’t miss his funeral”.  Oh , so Judi Dench knew that the whole bunch would go to the funeral did she? Sure. Ill buy that, no questions asked……..

But the weirdest thing is, when Bond later finds Mr White he is close to death anyway. Someone put some radioactive trank in his cell phone LONG AGO ,and now he is dying of radiation poisoning ??  WTF.  So I’m guessing SPECTRE did this, and …..forgot ?? Bond even tells the daughter later that Mr White should have been dead long before he found him, and that the only reason he was still alive was … because of her ??    So you telling me Mr White was just holding on for weeks because what ? He knew Bond was coming ? So he could send him to protect his daughter ? No. How does that work. It fucking doesnt !!

Mr White wants nothing to do with Bond when he finds him. He tells him to fuck off basically. Bond wants to know who is behind this new organization , and Mr White tells him NOTHING. But then for no other reason than moving Bond along to another Bond girl, he tells him to find his daughter, because she can lead him to L’Americain. Which turns out to be a fucking hotel. Why not fucking just tell him that. In fact, why not just tell him the organization is called SPECTRE and the leader is a guy named BLOWHARD.  Because when Bond finds Mr White’s super secret room at L´Americain ,there is a computer screen that has the coordinates of BLOWHARDS super secret hidden base ( !! ) What ??  And Bond says something like :  ” He was looking for Blowhard?  And he sent me here to finish it “.  What ?? No, Mr White FOUND BLOWHARDs super secret hidden base, and did nothing about it.? Not only nothing, he was at L´Americain in Morocco, had Blowhards location, and for no reason decides to fuck off to some remote shithole in Austria ? Sure, ok , why not….

Why couldn’t Mr White have told Bond : “His name is Blowhard, here are the coordinates to his super secret hidden base. Fuck LÁmericain. Don’t go near my daughter. Just go kill him for me James”.

Why the whole : Find my daughter. She will lead you to a hotel. A rat will show you a secret room, and there you will find the coordinates, and then you will learn who you are up against ( even though you already know his name ).  WTF ??  This movie could have been 90min long instead of 148min if it weren’t for this pointless bullcrap.

A better way to do it would be to have Batista get there ahead of Bond, almost finish of Mr White , only to have Bond save him, and then send him along to his daughter. It would make more sense that Mr White would not give him the information UNLESS Bond protects his daughter ????  Am I wrong ?

2DA22CEB00000578-3272407-image-a-3_1445512157131 2DA22CD800000578-3272407-image-a-8_1445512157264

Another thing that made no fucking sense whatsoever was Q showing up at the Hoffler Klinik where Lea Seydoux’s character, Madelaine Swan works. Seriously. Q helps to hide the fact that Bond goes to Italy, and then Austria . Bond has to take a plane that looks like it lands on a mountain. Then he treks up said mountain to this insanely expensive looking spa/rehab center for the mindbogglingly rich. He spends 4min talking to Lea Seydoux before he goes down to the bar. THEN FUCKING Q IS STANDING THERE !!  ”  Hey Bond, I just came all this way to ask you to please come back to London or I might lose my job”   ?  What In The Actual Fuck ??  Are we just supposed to buy that trank ?  I mean I guess Q knew where Bond was the whole time due to the smartblood ( bulshit ), but I’m guessing he just as easily could have called the resort. The last thing I would think that character would do is leave England, fly to Austria, trek up a mountain, and just happen to find Bond at the bar .  It just makes no sense. Even if Bond had told Q where he was going , which he did not, there is no way Q could just show up at that location 10 or 15min after Bond himself arrived. No fucking way. That is down right stupid writing. They just needed Q there so he could take the “dna-ring” from Bond. Convenience !!! And who is feeding his two cats ?!?

Right about here we do get a somewhat enjoyable action sequence. Bond learns the name of the shadowy organization he is up against ( ITS SPECTRE BTW ),  and because he saw his face in Italy, he knows who the boss is also already. Franz Oberhauser. And since a photo of 12 year old James Bond is shown earlier in the film standing alongside Oberhauser and his father, shown next to the papers which tells us that the Oberhausers became the legal guardians of orphan James Bond  , anyone who was surprised 50min later in the film when this is all spelled out, is a fucking moron. I’m sorry, but you could have more or less pieced this shit together just by watching the teaser trailer in March.

And if you ever watched the earlier Bond movies involving SPECTRE , you will know the name of the big boss. Thats right : Erik  “The Red ” Blowhard.  Well actually no,  but I kind of wish they had just made something like that up, because at the point in the film  when Oberhauser tells Bond his “new name”  I just wanted to be home in bed. I couldn’t care less. Its been 120min of pointless build up. And 10min earlier we learn that this guy has been involved in just about everything Bond has come across in the previous 3 movies.  Which AGAIN if you stop to think about it is so fucking convoluted and retarded it could easily have been scripted by Michael Bay.  Seriously, why couldn’t he just have killed Bond when he was 12 years old ?

LZQQzkr

We are to believe that this dude Blowhard has hated James Bond for some 35 years. Becuse his daddy loved little Jimmy more ?  Built SPECTRE from scratch. Been working in the shadows for all the previous 3 films ( let’s say 10 years in the current Bond timeline ) , known for a fucking fact where Bond was at all times since Bond checked back with MI-6 in London after the Mexican debacle ( because of the smartblood bulshit ) , AND NEVER KILLED THE MAN ??  Just because he wanted the big Vince McMahon ” It was me Austin ” moment ??   Jesus Tap Dancing Christ.  That is too much to swallow, even for a seasoned prostitute . Seriously.

 

As for Blowhards master plan of controlling the top 9 secret services organizations of the world ( including South Africa’s secret service for some reason )  I just did not get it.  It seems to me like SPECTRE already had MI-6 under total surveillance long before the program was activated. And NOBODY even had a clue about Spectres existence. So what were they supposed to do when and if it succeeded?  Continue doing what they had been doing all along ??  Was that the payoff ??

I remember reading about the script leak back during the Sony e-mail hack. I stayed away from the details at the time , but I revisited it after having seen the film.  Here is an excerpt from one of the articles posted at the time :

As a result of the aforementioned studio leak, Gawker had not only gotten their hands on a copy of the Spectre script, but also a great deal of notes and emails about the project – and not a lot of it sounded good. In a completely spoiler-filled break down, it’s explained that the first 100 pages of the script are in a fairly good place – with a good amount of action and characterization involving both new and old faces – but that where things start to fall apart is in the third act and where the villain is concerned.

According to the Gawker’s intel, the plot kicks off with James Bond questioning his own future after a merger between MI-5 and MI-6. He’s not ready to quit yet, especially since he still has an assignment to complete for Judi Dench. Lea Seydoux will be introduced as the daughter of a previously introduced character, and Andrew Scott will play a prominent role as an adversary of the new M (Ralph Fiennes). Monica Belluci will also be involved as an unlikely voice of information on a terrorist group.

Where things start to grow wrong is with the film’s villain – who is described as having a rather awkward if not fully illogical already established connection with our legendary hero. What’s more, Gawker’s piece says that the third act of the movie is “uneventful” and without any real drive, featuring sequences and actions by the titular terrorist group that are underwhelming compared to what happens earlier in the movie. There have also been multiple notes requesting the need for some kind twist in the narrative.

These notes wouldn’t be so bad to read if they were from drafts handed in back during the summer – as some will remember that production was actually delayed at that time so that Skyfall writers Neal Purvis and Robert Wade could take a whack at what had already been scripted by Oscar-winner John Logan. Unfortunately, Gawker says that the Spectre script was undergoing major revisions at least into November. Even though filming has already started, it’s also said that the studio is still tinkering with the ending and trying to get it right before it’s too late. 

 

All of this makes the absolute fuckery of some of these things I have mentioned  a little more understandable . I would say that the film does hold up , kind of , until Bond goes to meet up with Madelaine Swan character. There really is no reason for her part in the film, other than to have another Bond girl. And i would have to say that the problems they reportedly had with the third act/ending  was definitely not fixed.  It’s not a horrible film , but its not  very good film either. It’s weird reading other reviews where they praise it as one of the best Bond films ever. Give it 9/10 etc. But people who think that also thought Die Another Day was on par with Goldfinger. Enough said.

Did you see the film ?  What did you think about these points . Have I missed some fuckery with the plot ? Feel free to let me know. Just write me a postcard, and use the address :  BSS /via the Internet, and give it to a postman. He will find me if he knows his job.

Im sure ill get it eventually.

 

-Razz

  • John Connor

    Great write-up. You nailed what was wrong with SPECTRE.

  • TheCreepyThinMan

    Good review and pretty much everything I feared.

    You know what’s the best James Bond movie since Casino Royale and not
    actually a Bond movie? CAPTAIN AMERICA THE FIRST AVENGER!!! Think about
    it; a film about a guy with superhuman abilities fighting an insane villain with plans for world domination and his secret organization/army. A stacked hotty who can kick ass and a climax that features a siege on the bad guys base. Make Steve Rogers a sexist chain smoking alcoholic who bangs every chick he encounters and CA:TFA would be an ideal Bond movie.

    I’m just tired of people insisting that Bond be more “human” and “real”. He’s a fictional character and the reason why people love him is BECAUSE he’s not a regular human being. He’s a spy who goes undercover to exotic locations, screws top tier women and kills villains. Bond is an anti-hero, not necessarily a good person, but we’re lucky to have him on our side.

    With each new Bond flick with Daniel Craig in the role, I’m getting more-and-more tired of this iteration of the character. Casino Royale was nearly perfect and
    although Craig seemed refreshing in the part, today I can’t help but
    lament that either Christian Bale or Michael Fassbender wasn’t cast
    because they represent what Bond should be; suave, sophisticated and
    strikingly handsome. He’s a spy and needs to be an alpha male which is
    what he uses to seduce women that he recruits/uses to help him complete
    his mission but he doesn’t care about them, seeing them purely as
    recreation.

    But Craig’s Bond is a pug ugly runt who appears to be an uncouth thug. His Bond feels more like an assassin, a tool used to pull a trigger and I don’t get any vicarious pleasure in watching such a person. Craig lacks the elegance that James Bond should have and it doesn’t help that Sam Mendes seems determined to have him wallow in mid-life crisis ala America Beauty. Bond should never get old, feel old or look old and I don’t want to watch a fantasy movie about a secret agent who gets back pain or erectile dysfunction. Leave that shit in the real world and keep
    it out of 007!!!FACT!!!

    • Phillyflopper

      Word!

    • RJD

      Your rants are severely missed